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Community Corner

Redondo Mom Yearns for Relevance

Redondo Mom Michelle Veale Borden talks about her struggle as a stay-at-home mom to remain relevant in the world.

Before I had Smith, I worked a very corporate job in corporate America. I wore a suit to work, I had to wear panty hose on occasion—one job required it—and I loathed my life most days. The only things I enjoyed were the perks of working as a sales executive: the travel, the food and the prestige. But I hated selling people advertising—particularly print advertising. I wanted to do something creative. I wanted to do something that utilized my talents so I didn't feel like I was slowly dying inside a fancy suit.

That was me before I accidentally got pregnant with Smith. I had just landed a great job at a well-respected company, and I found out I was pregnant one week later. Everything changed. I started dressing a little less fancy (putting on 50 pounds will do that to you).  I started leaving work as soon as the clock struck 6 p.m.  My lunches were long and never at my desk. In a nutshell, becoming pregnant made me painfully aware of how square my peg had become. I was actually told that I "wasn't corporate enough" in a meeting. You're darn tootin', I'm not corporate enough.  

Cut to two months post-partum when I had to make the decision whether to go back to work. I didn't know what to do. I was terrified of leaving my son with a stranger, petrified of losing my identity, and deathly afraid of having no money of my own.

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Ultimately, I made the decision with my husband to stay at home with Smith. I remember asking him over and over again if it was the right thing to do. Yes, I wanted to do it. Yes, I knew how important it was to me that I was able to see my son more than a few hours a day. No, I was not ready to lose my identity. This was the first time I had experienced sleepless nights (unintentional ones at least).  

I remember talking to stay-at-home moms before I became one. I remember thinking, "God, you have it easy."  I remember thinking that these women were lucky to be able to escape the grind of going to work every day in a stifling office. I imagined luxurious days filled with playing at parks, eating snacks and having fun together. The truth? There is no luxury in my day, but I do eat snacks at the park while having fun with my child. It's nothing I could have ever imagined. I've traded my suit for my favorite outfit of jeans and a T-shirt, and I've traded my identity for my child's. I've traded chatting with friends during lunch to using Smith's nap to fold laundry, clean peanut butter off the floor, and scarf down lunch while surfing the web. I have traded late nights and happy hours for eating dinner at 5:30 p.m. and going to bed before 9 p.m. most nights. I haven't seen most of the friends that I had before Smith in years.

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I love my 2-year-old son, but he says "no" to everything. Everything. He doesn't discriminate. He also wants the whole enchilada.  He says "I want" 10,000 times a day. I completely understand parents that give in now. We just want the "I wants" to stop for a minute.

Ah, blessed silence.

Smith also destroys the house.  I'm working on teaching him to pick up his toys. I'll let you know when we are done with the "clean up or time out" part of the process.  

Do I want to go back to working in an office? Some days. Do I want more respect? Probably. Do I want other stay-at-home moms to feel relevant? Yes, yes and yes.

Staying at home may not be as hard or as stressful as our former jobs, but it sure feels like a long hard day at work after I've put my child to bed. I feel like I've been at war all day long, and the bedtime routine is Custer's Last Stand. I'm pretty sure I'm Crazy Horse.

I have talked to so many women who have unknowingly put down stay-at-home moms. They say things like, "I can't imagine that being my life" or "I just want more, you know?" or "I'm just one of those women who has to make her own money" or "I wanted a career."  I don't begrudge these women for making comments like that because I want more, too.

It's difficult to feel good about yourself when your only obvious accomplishment is a rapscallion of a 2-year-old who just pooped his pants. I just don't have it within me right now to do more than be a good mom to my son most days. When he starts going to preschool for a few days a week (three hours a day for two days gives me six hours total!), I hope to be able to do more writing and use my creative talents.

For now, I need to be OK with who I am as a world of women with successful careers spins around me. Some of it is society (thanks, Superwoman), some of it is monetary ("my" money), and some of it is the little girl in me who dreamed of being a famous singer and wearing jeans and a T-shirt to work every day.

How do you stay relevant, Redondo Beach?  

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