Friends: The Best Cure for Stress

I just had a splendid visit with one of my oldest and dearest friends who just happens to read my column from her home in Alabama. (Hi, Emily!) It's been years since we have spent time together. Visiting with her helped me to see that I have had to make those kinds of friends here, too, as Emily is thousands of miles away.

As children, as teens, as college students and as working-class adults, women need friends around to help us survive. Yes, I said survive.

As I have gotten older, I've made fewer and fewer friends. It's hard in a big city to make friends, especially when you often move around and 12 miles can take an hour in bad traffic. I know everyone hates being stuck in traffic, but I feel like I'm dying when I am stopped on a highway full of cars. It makes me feel crazy—like trapped-squirrel crazy. I tend to befriend people of like mind.

Fellow trapped squirrels, unite!

When I had Smith, I found myself with a great group of girlfriends that were mostly single and were not near having children. That was cute at first, but after awhile, I felt completely alone in the world. Plus, they all looked great in a bathing suit, and I wanted to punch them.

Seriously, it was wonderful to have these friends dote on Smith and to tell me how wonderful he was, but I couldn't go out with them at night after Smith went to sleep. I couldn't talk to them about finding the right guy, because I was only interested in finding the right stroller. I felt so isolated and scared. I could talk to my husband, but my husband isn't a woman, so he truly wets the bed when it comes to comforting gab.    

A UCLA study on women and friends tells us that women seek friends during stressful times and men seek solitude. As parents, we are no strangers to stress—it has my name on speed dial—and we react to it in various ways. I find myself calling a friend or family member (three times in a row signals "emergency) when I'm overwhelmed in any way, and it's been helpful in my life.

Yet it's the face-to-face interaction that women truly need as mothers. Talking on the phone is sufficient at times, but there is something truly calming about sitting down and chatting with someone else. Scientifically speaking, when a female experiences stress, we release oxytocin, a hormone that encourages women to tend to their children and interact with others. We require a different scenario when it comes to "crisis mode."  Men have a "fight or flight" response. Women? We want a pow wow or a clambake.

So next time you find yourself having a stressful day, and you don't know what to do—and eating the contents of your fridge hasn't helped—call a friend and see if she wants to come over. If your house is a mess because you have a toddler, then ask if you can come to hers. If no one is available, go to a park and start chatting with another mom. (Make sure it's a mom and not a mop or a park bench. That's no way to make friends, honey.)

I do so love it when another mother comes up to talk to me at a park. Redondo Beach is full of moms who need other moms, so reach out and find that other mom when you need it. I know I do.

Thanks, ladies.